NEWARK, New Jersey- – Reminiscent of the time he converted water into wine, Jesus Christ has once again baffled party goers everywhere. The Christian icon, and defending Beer Pong Champion, pulled off an improbable come from behind victory against the wily Lucifer in a grudge match at the 2008 Annual Newark Beer Pong Tournament.

“It was totally awesome. I dedicate this victory to my Father,” Christ said of the win.

Down seven cups to one, Christ pulled off the miracle of beer pong miracles.

“Yeah, it was amazing. [Lucifer] had my number for most of the game. He blew a lot of balls out on me. But then I got into a groove and punched it home.”

Christ hit seven shots in a row to seal the victory, denying Lucifer a chance at a ‘rebuttal’, and thus claiming the title of ‘Beer Pong Champion’ for two consecutive years.

“It isn’t fair,” Lucifer said of his defeat. “After four playoff rounds, it was getting tough for me to see straight. I kept seeing two cups instead of one and had difficulty figuring out which cup was tangible. Plus, the guy has had what, two thousand plus years to build up his tolerance? It just isn’t fair. Beer evaporates too quickly in Hell, so I couldn’t even practice, really. It was a cheap win.”

Obviously upset by the loss, Lucifer appeared to be having trouble accepting defeat in front of his home town crowd of Newark faithful. “It would have been nice to give this city something to cheer about. The Devils aren’t playing well in the hockey playoffs, and I had hoped to help spark some excitement into the city.”

That wasn’t the case.

Christ had to overcome the loyal Newark crowd, who showed up in large numbers dressed as their home town hero complete with red face paint, pitch forks, and fishnets. “It was daunting at first, but I’ve faced worse,” Christ said nonchalantly about the fans. Not everyone present was against Christ, however.

“I was just hanging out and saw the tournament going on. So I thought I’d check it out,” said city construction worker Jacob Leiferman, 27. “Not many people seemed to be pulling for Jesus. When he won, I drank the rest of my pint in dedication to him. I think he rewarded me for it because moments later my glass was full again. Not with the Schmidt’s that I had been drinking, but with Heineken. Still, I appreciated the thought.”

In order to reach the finals, each player had to emerge victorious in four playoff rounds. Christ pulled off an easy victory against Islamic savior, Muhammad, in order to make it to the Championship Game. Fortunately for Jesus, Muhammad passed out early on in the competition due to severe intoxication. His tolerance was lower than any had expected. Christ took full advantage of the situation as he advanced by default.

The rest is history.

Ironically, both Christ and Lucifer were in the same position the year before when the two competed for the Championship, and the outcome was the same. Newark Mayor, Cory Booker, believes that this victory will help improve the status of the game for future generations:

“Anytime you get headliners such as Jesus and Satan, it is going to draw a crowd. Having these two back at it in the final round for two consecutive years has been great for the game of Beer Pong. Hopefully, this dramatic victory will help improve ratings and bring more attention to the great city of Newark, and the even greater state of New Jersey. Maybe now people will realize that there are things to do here besides watching trash float by and the New York football teams.”

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