dr-manhattan-3Last night I witnessed the 12:01 am showing of Warner Brothers’ Watchmen; arguably the most over-hyped movie of the decade. That’s not to say it was bad, but the movie has received so much press attention over the last three years, it didn’t have much room for error. Overall the film delivers to comic fans and un-fans alike as the acting was solid, the fight scenes were bad ass and non-repetitive, and the cinematography was beautifully complete with unique shots and angles. Most importantly, the characters were true to their print influences. Jackie Earle Haley nearly steals the show as Rorschach (“I’m not locked in here with you, you’re locked in here with me!”), but like an ensemble member who steals the scene away from the leading actor, Dr. Manhattan’s giant blue meat stick shockingly stole the spotlight of this movie.

We all knew we were in for some penis shots of the blue character, but not a whole freakin’ film reel of penis shots! Seriously, how many times did we see Dr. Manhattan’s rubbery arrowhead ebb and flow in 2 hours and 45 minutes? I’m not sure as I lost count around 13 when my eyes were ambushed by a group of naked Dr. Manhattan’s ready to usurp the Silk Spectre with their flowing blue dingle-dangles. I’ll admit, when Manhattan’s wiener was first revealed I thought, “Ok, I knew it was coming and there it is. But hey, it’s an R rated movie and he was naked in david1the comic, so whatever.” Then after the second dork shot I thought, “Well, that’s two penis shots in under ten minutes… but hey, he’s an ethereal being and it’s done tastefully, so whatever.” Then the third wonder rod shot happened and I thought, “Wow. Ok. Three penis viewings in 15 minutes… yikes. But it’s all good. Things will even out when the Silk Spectre gets some screen time… right?”

Wrong!

It would feel like an eternity before a single boob was shown, as no female anatomy was revealed until more than halfway through the movie. Now, I’m not trying to sound like a horn ball, but the boob to penis ratio in Watchmen is seriously off. Given the number of giggle stick shots, there needed to be more of a booby balance going on. After all, this film is geared toward male comic fan-boys and to berate our eyes with a dangling belly buster for what seemed like hours before revealing a single nipple is unjust, cruel, and inhumane. I’ll admit, the borderline soft core porno scene between Nite Owl and the Silk Spectre balanced things out, bringing me back to my days of puberty. You know, the days of sneaking into the living room at 1 am to watch some static ridden soft core porn on TV? Uh, anyway, while this scene evened the playing field for the heterosexual men in the audience, it didn’t last long. Images of the Silk Spectres perfection were quickly usurped by an eternally long shot of Nite Owl’s bare buns and more screen time from the blue-veined meat roll. It leads me to speculate if Dr. Manhattan actor, Billy Crudup’s penis is collecting royalties for this movie.

The shots were so frequent that whenever Crudup’s character appeared, I couldn’t help but wonder when the camera was going to pan down or out to show more of his blue bayonet. The scene where a giant sized dr20manhattan2024Manhattan takes on the Viet-Cong army during the Vietnam War had me worried… Thankfully, we didn’t see Manhattan’s gigantic warrior weasel in the scene, which made me internally shout a la C-3PO, “Thank the Maker!” Can you imagine the terror those Viet-Cong soldiers experienced upon their first look at the enormous Manhattan? They probably thought they were being attacked by a large floating penis until they craned their necks to see it was a huge naked radioactive man laying waste to their ranks.

Talk about blue balls.

While the movie was fantastic, I obviously question director Zack Snyder’s choice of inserting so many gratuitous banana shots. Couldn’t Dr. Manhattan have worn a cod piece, or at least ken-dolled himself for a few scenes? Would it have killed Snyder to direct that? Guh. My only other beef with the movie is how villainous Ozymandias came off from the get go. I thought it was too apparent that he was a potential bad guy. The catch 22 ending was awesome, and at the end of the day I guess a little ding dong never hurt anyone. Still, the Warner Bros. top brass should consider renaming this film, Watchmen: Watching Dr. Manhattan’s Blue Penis Ponder Existence.

Let the e-mails begin!

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