On this festive holiday, John Daker reminds us what Easter is all about. Sing it brother:

Happy Easter everybody!

[Sabres/Bruins recap coming soon!]

In this edition of Out of Context we feature¬†Peter Parker, a.k.a Spider-Man.¬†In the excerpts below, the secret behind Spider-Man’s webbing is revealed, and we discover what Peter has really been up to over at the Daily Bugle during off hours. Then, we learn a shocking truth about Peter’s past!

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Yikes. Skip Westcott, meet Chris Hansen.

Welcome to a new segment at MintConditionPublishing.com: Out of Context! Here, comic panels will be posted that contain dialogue (or whatever) that can be taken out of context to mean something else. Capice? Let’s get rolling with our first installment taken from X-Men (vol. 1) #17 and Uncanny X-Men #143:

Beast and Professor Xavier Are Misogynistic Pricks

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WASHINGTON, D.C.– Former Hitler Youth member, Pope Benedict XVI, visited the United States of America for the first time on Tuesday. When his plane landed, the Pope was greeted by a multitude of Christian faithful, including a small group of Catholic school children. Since Tuesday was the Pope’s 81st birthday, the moment he exited the plane, the children began to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ in five part angelic harmony.

“It was loud,” the Pope said of the landing ceremony.

When the Pope wasn’t attending to business, such as meeting with the families of children who were victim to ‘Priest Parties’, most of his time for the rest of the day was spent in the company of President Bush.

“He’s a nice guy,” the President said. “I don’t speak German though, so I didn’t really know what he was saying half the time. [Laughs] Yeah, it was fun.”

Before the Pope’s arrival, the President commented that he wanted to show America to the Pope through the “eyes of every citizen that walks the walk in this Great Land of the Freed,” and according to the President, he did just that.

First, the pair went to the dining establishment ‘Applebees,’ which Bush called “A true slice of Americana.” The two ordered cocktails and their meal, while engaging in what can only be classified as awkward conversation. The dialogue of the evening consisted of short, one sentence comments by Benedict followed by odd, out of place laughing and random exclamations such as “Amen!” and “He’s a home run king!” by the President.

Following dinner, President Bush took the Pope to his favorite karaoke bar, “The Prancing Pony,” where he treated the head of the Christian faith to a rendition of ‘Love Shack’ and ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’ Things got tense between the two when a 20 something year old couple sang a duet of ‘Summer Nights’ in which the President began to loudly sing along to.

Pope Benedict was not amused.

“I did expect a former Nazi to have a little more, you know, pizazz in his personality. He was a little boring at the bar. I mean how can you not sing along to some classic Danny Zuko!?” an exasperated Bush commented on the situation.

Later in the evening, the President tried to explain a NASCAR race being aired on television to an uninterested Pope Benedict. Another ‘Pony’ patron then began an argument with the President over who’s race car sponsor is better: Kyle Busch’s ‘Kellog’s’ or Kasey Kahne’s ‘McDonalds’. The debate never got resolved, however, as President Bush began to use vulgar language and was dismissed from the facility by the barkeep.

Secret Service intervened and took The Pope and the President back to the White House.

Upon arrival, the Pope stated that he wished to leave Washington early and head to New York in order to prepare for his live mass at Yankee Stadium which will be held on the weekend.

This decision by Benedict cut short nearly a weeks worth of events the President had planned for the two.

“I can completely understand,” Bush said later of the Pope’s early departure. “He’s from a different culture, not like ours. I see that a lot in my travels. [Laughs] I could tell he had a blast, though.”

Unfortunately for the President, he could not have been more wrong.

“It was a terrible day,” remarked Pope Benedict XVI. “Perhaps if I had not been accompanied by a complete buffoon I could have enjoyed myself. I do not believe President Bush understood one word I said. He would laugh at strange times and say things that did not make sense. A terrible day.” [Translated from German]

When told of the Pope’s remarks, the President smiled and only said, “Ichbin mit dem Prinzen einverstanden.” Which translates to, “I agree with the Prince.”

No one still knows what the President meant by this.

NEWARK, New Jersey- – Reminiscent of the time he converted water into wine, Jesus Christ has once again baffled party goers everywhere. The Christian icon, and defending Beer Pong Champion, pulled off an improbable come from behind victory against the wily Lucifer in a grudge match at the 2008 Annual Newark Beer Pong Tournament.

“It was totally awesome. I dedicate this victory to my Father,” Christ said of the win.

Down seven cups to one, Christ pulled off the miracle of beer pong miracles.

“Yeah, it was amazing. [Lucifer] had my number for most of the game. He blew a lot of balls out on me. But then I got into a groove and punched it home.”

Christ hit seven shots in a row to seal the victory, denying Lucifer a chance at a ‘rebuttal’, and thus claiming the title of ‘Beer Pong Champion’ for two consecutive years.

“It isn’t fair,” Lucifer said of his defeat. “After four playoff rounds, it was getting tough for me to see straight. I kept seeing two cups instead of one and had difficulty figuring out which cup was tangible. Plus, the guy has had what, two thousand plus years to build up his tolerance? It just isn’t fair. Beer evaporates too quickly in Hell, so I couldn’t even practice, really. It was a cheap win.”

Obviously upset by the loss, Lucifer appeared to be having trouble accepting defeat in front of his home town crowd of Newark faithful. “It would have been nice to give this city something to cheer about. The Devils aren’t playing well in the hockey playoffs, and I had hoped to help spark some excitement into the city.”

That wasn’t the case.

Christ had to overcome the loyal Newark crowd, who showed up in large numbers dressed as their home town hero complete with red face paint, pitch forks, and fishnets. “It was daunting at first, but I’ve faced worse,” Christ said nonchalantly about the fans. Not everyone present was against Christ, however.

“I was just hanging out and saw the tournament going on. So I thought I’d check it out,” said city construction worker Jacob Leiferman, 27. “Not many people seemed to be pulling for Jesus. When he won, I drank the rest of my pint in dedication to him. I think he rewarded me for it because moments later my glass was full again. Not with the Schmidt’s that I had been drinking, but with Heineken. Still, I appreciated the thought.”

In order to reach the finals, each player had to emerge victorious in four playoff rounds. Christ pulled off an easy victory against Islamic savior, Muhammad, in order to make it to the Championship Game. Fortunately for Jesus, Muhammad passed out early on in the competition due to severe intoxication. His tolerance was lower than any had expected. Christ took full advantage of the situation as he advanced by default.

The rest is history.

Ironically, both Christ and Lucifer were in the same position the year before when the two competed for the Championship, and the outcome was the same. Newark Mayor, Cory Booker, believes that this victory will help improve the status of the game for future generations:

“Anytime you get headliners such as Jesus and Satan, it is going to draw a crowd. Having these two back at it in the final round for two consecutive years has been great for the game of Beer Pong. Hopefully, this dramatic victory will help improve ratings and bring more attention to the great city of Newark, and the even greater state of New Jersey. Maybe now people will realize that there are things to do here besides watching trash float by and the New York football teams.”

ROMULUS, New York- – Heroes. You find them in comic books, movies, and at your local fire department. But on Wednesday afternoon the term hero took on a more ambiguous meaning for one small town.

And the people of Romulus, population 2,000, aren’t sure what to make of it.

At approximately 5:07p.m. on Wednesday, Sophie Fiebelkorn, 22, was driving home from her day care job when she approached a red light. Alone, and with no cars behind or in front of her, she applied gentle pressure to her brake. As she did so, Sophie looked to her right and was surprised at what she saw; A group of people aged 6-91 were vehemently holding signs with such slogans as “HONK IF YOU ARE DRUG FREE!” and “IF YOU D.A.R.E. TO NEVER USE DRUGS, HONK NOW!” and “BEEP IF YOU SAY NO TO DRUGS!”. The mob was standing at the curb of the street, mere feet away from Sophie’s vehicle.

“It was very uncomfortable for me because there were so many of them,” said Fiebelkorn in an interview after the incident. “I had to take into account my religious beliefs and commitments before I did something stupid.”

Raised a Roman Catholic, Sophie was referring to her commitment to the 9th Commandment, “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor”. Commonly translated today as “Thou shalt not lie”.

“I’ve done drugs before,” she admitted shamefully.

Since Sophie’s car was the only one stopped at the red light, she received full attention from the rabid Sign-Holding-Drug-Busters. When she did not immediately utilize her horn in accordance with the demands of their signs, the crowd took action. They began to press their suggestive signs against Sophie’s back windows, as if to say “Honk damn you!”.

She didn’t know what to do.

If Sophie Fiebelkorn were to tell a lie in order to preserve her reputation, the move would shatter one of the most fundamental commitments to her religion; The Ten Commandments. “One hungry looking adult woman, she was probably like 39 or something, scared me into doing the right thing. Her prescence was like more intense than the others because everyone else was chanting the stuff on the signs, but she wasn’t. She just glared at me.”

Within moments the crowd rose to a fever-pitch, pressing for the young day care worker to employ the use of her car horn. Sophie knew she had to decide what to do, and quickly. So she made her move. With a sinful frown of sadness on her face, Sofie removed her hands from the steering wheel and shrugged in response to the signs being held by the mob of children, adults, and elderly. The shrug seemed to say, “I am sorry, but I am not drug free”.

A moment of shock engulfed everyone.

All went silent. Then, as if in punctuation to the scene, the stoplight turned green. Sophie slowly lowered her arms and looked away in shame. Signs peeled away from the back windows as her car lethargically moved on through the stoplight. Within moments, the incident was over as quickly as it had begun.

The crowd, once almost animal in its cause, was now dazed and confused.

“People were honkin’ their horns all day. I don’t know if we were more shocked or disgusted,” said Jonas Thisterthinton, 42.

Sophie, flustered over the debacle, pulled over and immediately called her mother. Worried for her daughters health, Ms. Fiebelkorn called upon the services of the police. Once arriving on the scene officers were confronted by enraged members of the crowd, complaining about the moral damage done to their children by Sophie’s lack of horn beeping.

“Her reaction was despicable. Now my child thinks it is cool to do drugs because of some twisted twenty year old,” said Percy Crump, 34. When her 6 year old daughter, Reno Crump, was asked what Sophie’s lack of a response meant to her, she responded with, “Mommy says the reason Daddy has cancer is because of drugs.”

Helen Knutson, 87, is neighbor to the Fiebelkorns and commented on the event. “Sophie is a bad little girl. Ever since she was a baby she was always bad. Just bad. She would kick my tulips in the summer time. And her mother, having that baby out of wedlock. Just bad. I said so.”

Winston Gilroy, 55, agrees with Crump and Knutson. “Those dirty kid hippies need to get out of our town. Take a damn shower once in awhile.”

When approached with the remarks of Crump, Knutson, and Gilroy, Sophie stated defensively, “I do shower. I shower everyday. Sometimes even twice a day.”

Romulus Town Supervisor, David Kaiser, (a Protestant and anti-drug proponent) refused to comment on the situation.

Not everyone blames Sophie for her choice of action, however. Some of the townspeople even agree with Sophie’s choice. With half of Romulus’s population being Roman Catholic, many view her as a champion of their faith. Most of those who side with Sophie are from St. John’s Church, where she and her mother attend Mass every Sunday.

Father Jeffery Kline, known affectionately by parishioners as ‘Father Jeff’, gave his thoughts on the matter. “Sophie is a hero to our religion. It took great courage for her to do what she did. She followed the Ten Commandments, and that is not always easy for young adults to do. I am proud of her. God is proud of her. She won’t go to Hell for this.”

“I probably would have done the same thing,” 19 year old Stacey May said. “Why are the Ten Commandments written in Old English anyway? Wasn’t Moses Jewish?”

Still, the question remains; Is Sophie Fiebelkorn a sinful influence on young children? Or is she a modern day Saint of the Catholic faith?

Even Sophie isn’t sure.

“I’ve been going to St. John’s for pretty much my entire life, and I take what Father Jeff says very seriously. I couldn’t lie. I just couldn’t. I feel bad about the kids that were there. But I don’t want to go to Hell. I’d like to say I’m sorry to them. ‘Kids . . . I am sorry’. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t do drugs,” she said with tears streaming down her face.

It remains clear that Sophie Fiebelkorn’s official status as a ‘Heroine of the Catholic Faith’ or a ‘Drug Using Child Disruptor’ continues to be up in the air. This being the case, the town of Romulus will feel the effects of Wednesday for days to come.